Friday, January 6, 2017

Love In The Time Of Texting

Love In The Time Of Texting

I'm going to age myself here. Texting does not a relationship make. Too often I see clients for "relationship issues" who proceed to share that they are having difficulty communicating with their partner. The session goes something like this:

Client: I've been up all night crying and I can't focus at work today. My boyfriend and I had the hugest fight last night. This happens all the time when we talk lately.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that - can you tell me more about last night's conversation?

Client: Well, so, um, hang on...let me get my phone. I need to read this to you...

Me: Read this to me - OK did you take some notes to share?

Client: Oh...well...no - I want to read the conversation to you.

Me: So this wasn't a face-to-face conversation?

Client: No...no - we were texting and it turned into this huge fight and now I don't know what to do or say and I'm so distraught because I don't think he understood what I meant and he was so mean to me....and I'm so worried he's going to break up with me. This happens all the time. We talk and...

Me: (Interrupting client) I'm going to stop you for a second, OK? You mean you talk or you text?

Client: Well, we talk - I mean text - you know, we talk on text...

Me: I see. So your conversations are text conversations. No eye contact, no voices, no sensory input? You are reading each other's words?

Client: Yes, is that bad?

Me: Yes, actually that's pretty bad.

The art of the conversation is just that - an art. It is a delicate gift that we, as humans, possess. We have the power of language - verbal descriptors that add context and color to our affect, mannerisms, hand gestures, and temperaments.

This is not a dis on the written word. Love letters, poems, plays, novels - they are all expressive. But a (serious) conversation between two people requires more than fragmented texts replete with acronyms and emojis.

When we make contact with a partner about issues more complicated than whether there will be Chinese or Italian on the coffee table for dinner that evening, we rely on our body language. Words alone do not communication make. Eye contact, touch, voice inflections, tone - all of these are absent in a textual conversation. We rely on social cues to assign meaning to the words we use to express ourselves. Without those cues, our words are subject to a variety of (mis)interpretations.

Miscommunication via text is a slippery slope that can be easily avoided by picking up the phone and using the mouthpiece or waiting until a face-to-face meeting to discuss matters other than what time you'll be home for dinner.

Talk. Touch. Look. Listen. Yell. Cry. Laugh. Throw your hands up in the air. Stomp your feet. Embrace each other. Whisper. Lock eyes. Hold hands.

But for the sake of your relationship, please stop all the typing.






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